Tumbling After

A strange thing happened to me earlier this evening. I have the awesome privilege of pastoring a small group of students part time. I love it, and I feel alive when I do it, but it's not easy...I wish I had more time for it because I am not always that good at finding ways to relate things to the students...and I'm a pretty poor public speaker so I need lots of time to practice.

But you know what? That doesn't really bother me. Sure, I'd like to be much better at that but it's not like I accept it and give up...I keep pressing on. And if someone remembers what it is I stumble through saying, then I can't take any credit for it...that's all Jesus. I like the way that works.

I usually get a little nervous before I start the lesson with the students. Honestly, it's a little uncomfortable for me a lot of times I feel like I'm struggling through the evening...through leading worship (I'm not a very gifted musician either) and giving a lesson, I mess up chords and stutter and lose my train of though but I end up finally articulating the message I want to deliver and then I pray that all of the things I do which may be a distraction will not affect the students' ability to soak in the message. Like I said, I get a little nervous every time I start because I want it to go well, but I mostly get nervous because I really want the students to develop a deep and passionate relationship with Jesus and I tend to feel the weight of my responsibilities as a youth leader. I realize that I am in a position to have an impact in the lives of these students, and I want to leave a good mark.

Over the past two weeks, I was planning the lesson for earlier this evening, and I got really excited because the Lord gave me some good ideas and good illustrations for a pretty important passage of scripture: Philippians 1:18-30. Basically, Paul is sharing with the Philippians that, regardless of what happens to him, Christ will be proclaimed, and whether he lives or gets killed, he will glorify God. And because of that, he wants the Philippians to live a life worthy of the Gospel. Why? because if they don't, then they're basically wasting Paul's ministry in prison. That is strong. That is inspiring. I want that in my life, and I want that for my students. Clearly this is a deep passage of scripture, but it's so good. How often to we fall short of living a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ - wasting our ministry as Christians?

Back to the beginning of youth group tonight. Thinking about all of the scripture I just briefly explained, and realizing the depth and importance of Paul's charge, I got really anxious...not just the normal butterflies, but really sweaty palms and an increased heart rate. I've never had a panic attack before, but that's probably the closest I've ever come to one, and all of the students were sitting there watching me, ready for me to get things started. Before we start we always pray. Usually I have a student open us up but tonight I prayed. I prayed in desperation. I felt very small and very alone. I needed big strength. The rest of the night went about normal: I stuttered a lot and missed a few chords, but I really didn't care. I don't mind looking like a fool. After praying, the nerves went away and we had a good discussion. I don't know what the students got out of this evening, but I was so stoked to feel the Lord carrying me through youth group when I felt very much alone and weak. Paul had great courage for continuing to make God's name greater even while in prison...that reminded me to be courageous even though my situation pales in comparison to what Paul experienced. I believe I was under some spiritual attack tonight, and Jesus fought for me where I was weak. That's a huge encouragement for me.

It's easy to get discouraged and upset when we feel like we're wasting our ministry as Christians (or not being as effective or salty as we'd like), but the Lord showed me once again that all we need to do is show up and He'll take it from there. It takes courage and lots of faith and trust, but experiencing that kind of love leaves me hungry and wanting more. May the Lord give us the desire to obey and serve fiercely, and may our lives have a radical flavor.